Baby, I am back. Life has been so stressful and it's all because how one gets a paycheck. Don't you think that is wrong? I do. We spend 80% of our lives doing what we hate so the 20% can be something worthwhile. I just find the math troubling.
Without getting too crazy about what is going on in real life I figured it would be more fun to talk about something more elementary. You know, like a conversation you would have at the lunch table in the fifth grade? This is the C-o-D so all things are on the "table" and tonight we are talking about my Top Eight Favorite Monsters. Act like you know me.
This furry asshole hates non-Australians (or at least those who don't have a sexy accent) and shows foreigners what's up when they come close. Apparently they are attack-koalas with vampire fangs that will drop from the leafy tropical canopy above onto the backs of tourists below. They will attack and ruin the opinion of what most people think of as the most stoned creature in the down under. Or anywhere, really. What an embarrassing monster attack story.
Alright, a specter or ghost isn't technically a monster but this mythical...thing is some real scary shit to me. The Banshee is a Scottish/Irish legend in which a female ghost comes wailing in the night as a harbinger of death to a household. When someone is close to death's door an old woman can be heard wailing outside the house. Also, people in certain woods of Ireland have witnessed a floating old female apparition who would wail and approach them leading to hysterics and amazing fire-side stories.
So a Draugr is basically a Scandinavian Jason Voorhees. When a real asshole in life dies, there is a chance they could comeback as a reanimated corpse with superhuman like strength to kill people of a village. During the funeral they sew the toes together, turn the coffin in multiple directions to confuse the Draugr should it come out of the grave and want to know which direction is home and even bury it in an upright direction. People back then were so frightened of someone becoming a Draugr that they usually fortified the family's home for the following year after death. What a time to be alive!
Here is a folklore story about an encounter with such beings:
It was Christmas Eve, and Ola went down to his boathouse to get the keg of brandy he had bought for the holidays. When he got in, he noticed a draugr sitting on the keg, staring out to sea. Ola, with great presence of mind and great bravery (it might not be amiss to state that he already had done some drinking), tiptoed up behind the draugr and struck him sharply in the small of the back, so that he went flying out through the window, with sparks hissing around him as he hit the water. Ola knew he had no time to lose, so he set off at a great rate, running through the churchyard which lay between his home and the boathouse. As he ran, he cried, "Up, all you Christian souls, and help me!" Then he heard the sound of fighting between the ghosts and the draugr, who were battling each other with coffin boards and bunches of seaweed. The next morning, when people came to church, the whole yard was strewn with coffin covers, boat boards, and seaweed. After the fight, which the ghosts won, the draugr never came back to that district.
Hey Hollywood! Do this!
This hansom fella is an evil spirit known to the American Natives as a Wendigo. It is a tale that warns against cannibalism and also explains why people resort to eating people. A person could be possessed by this spirit or even just bitten and have an overwhelming need to chomp someone's bottom. They claimed even tribes faced with starvation who devour human flesh for survival may become a Wendigo themselves.
In 1878, a Cree man named Swift Runner, butchered his entire family and ate them even though there was a general food store less than a day's ride from their land. It was nationally known as "Wendigo Psychosis" and periods of isolation and hard winters can lead to such horrors. I guess it's what the old timers call "cabin fever".
That was a Shining reference.
Have you ever had your mind boggled? Well, there's a ghost/creature for that. In long ago Scotland, there was a real fear of an apparition who would confuse and scare people out in the Moors. The term of confusion is linked to this creature since it's main annoyance is to puzzle people. For example, stealing a broom and putting it on a roof. Seems like a dick.
As late as 1866 the Larne Weekly Reporter had a story of a house under attack from a Bogle which terrified a North Ireland village. It was later learned that this new house used the same materials from an older home belonging to "the little people". (Whatever that means.) These attacks continued for months but soon died down. That was the last report containing the claim of a Bogle. Kind boggles the mind, huh? I'll leave now.
This goddamn hilarious thing is called a Cockatrice and it is one of the more unfortunate creations. It is part rooster, part snake, part dragon and all hilarious. Coming from the Elizabethan's in England, this bird-snake can kill you with a glance. Or, laughing to death. I do like the name, though. I am going to try and use this in common day-to-day talk.
The Bray Road Beast!
Do you believe in werewolves? If your from Wisconsin, you might. From 1936 to as late as 1999, there have been reports of a manlike wolf scaring people, attacking cars and livestock and making a menace of itself around Elkhorn, Wisconsin. All the reports coincide with a full moon phase. Maybe it's a bear or maybe, it's a one-eyed priest! Call Gary Busey!
Okay, unlike all the other monsters in this post, this damn thing was real! Today's ancestor to the Megalodon, the great white shark, is beyond terrifying if you find yourself in the middle of the ocean looking nose to nose, but around the age of the dinosaurs there was a shark five times the size of the modern white pointer. The Megalodon was large enough to attack and kill the largest mammal on Earth, the blue whale. I'd say that evolution and asteroids really have done humans well.
Something to think about next time you're on a cruise, their is a large scientific community that believes the Megalodon might still be lurking somewhere in the deep. Since we have only scratched the surface of what the mysteries of the sea hold, who knows? Looking at this photo which has yet to be debunked, from a forced perspective, that is about a 45 foot shark attacking a whale. If we ever find one of these massive beasts, it's safe to say I might move to Kansas. No Megalodons in Kansas.
Thanks for reading this gibberish about mythical creatures and not-so-mythical creatures. It's nice to be back writing and being stupid again. We all need to do this more often. Watch out for the Drop Bear!