My Pinky Toe For These Ancient Snacks

March 26, 2017

 I know this is a subject that has been covered by hundreds of bloggers including myself but as I sit in this odd little office, I can't help but go back in time and remember some of the best and weirdest junk foods we used to stuff our faces with while watching The REAL Ghostbusters or something like it. It's a fun topic to daydream about and who knows what product rep might be listening! We all just witnessed Hi-C Ecto Cooler rise from the grave for a bit. So sit back and lets go back to a time when high fructose corn syrup was a friend to us all. 

 

 Burger King Burger Bundles

 

 Back in 1987 Burger King took on the competition of the long-running chains like White Crystal and offered their flame broiled mini-burgers in packs of three and six. I don't know what was happening in the later part of the eighties but it seemed that everything was cooler in a mini format. We had Micro Machines to Muscle Men so the natural attraction to Burger Bundles was no great secret kids like me would have to have them immediately. 

 Since 1987, the Burger Bundles were changed to Burger Buddies and then again in 2004 to the always funny, Burger Shots. Just like anything cute and cool, they are a thing of the past. Just a memory of getting to order outside of the Happy Meal variety and feel a step closer to maturity while eating tiny burgers which for some reason I recalled them as "Burgles". I think Burgles sound better.

 

 

Fruit Corners Fruit Wrinkles

 

 If you were around during the mid-eighties fruit snack explosion then you cannot deny that the company Fruit Corners destroyed the competition with the crack-like addicting little snacks called "Wrinkles". If you are unaware of Fruit Wrinkles then I am so sorry because in the history of Homo Erectus, there has never been a better tasting morsel of fake fruit ever made or ever will BE made. It bothers me so much that simply watching an episode of The Golden Girls pains me to question why there are not a pantry filled with Fruit Wrinkles to satiate my sadness because I will most likely shuffle off this mortal coil before tasting that sweet faux raison of heaven again. 

 

So, simply, Fruit Wrinkles were rich little nibblets of fruit that were way...jammier(?) than the average fun fruit variety. I don't know how they did it or what the main difference was but they were the peak of the fruit snack world. If I had a 40oz of Colt 45 and Lando, we would pour a little out for the fall of my homie, Rolland. 

 

 Tree Top Juice

 

 I vaguely remember this juice for it's taste but I definitely remember the metal (not aluminum) cans. When I was only six or seven my Father and Uncle were fishing together and I was along for the trip. After a day on the river they both cracked a beer and I cracked a cold can of Tree Top Juice. I don't remember much abut that day but I remember bragging to my Grandmother later in the evening how I drank my own beer. That caused a little stir but nothing Pop couldn't quell.

 

 I don't know if you were paying attention to this incredibly eighties commercial but you get a quick shot of a John Hugh's favorite, Edie McClurg. I want to think that this 1984 commercial shot her into stardom but I am sure this is just one of many Edie pop culture gifts of that era.

 

 I did hear that Tree Top Juice might be returning to the market but you have to go to Africa if you want it. That's a hike for juice.

 

 PB MAX

 

 This is a snack that can kill you if you have diabetes, a peanut allergy or try to eat without drinking something after every bite because it was so rich that all moisture would be wicked away leaving you asking why your life is in the balance over a candy bar. I may be exaggerating slightly but only slightly. This chocolate covered cookie and peanut butter square weighed 42 grams with 16 grams of fat per square. That is a seriously heavy snack which seemed to be in every gas station in every state between the late eighties and early nineties. Always great to wash down with a Clearly Canadian.

 

 This commercial used to frustrate me as a kid because what idiot would believe "PB" would stand for anything other than peanut butter. Well, maybe "portly ballerina" but that's insensitive. (hee)

 

 

 Candilicious

 

 Okay this deceased candy was somewhat of a controversial topic when it came to the fruit taffy variety because when you have Starbursts, Bonkers, Laffy Taffy, Mamba and Now&Laters all competing to pull your crowns out, there can only be one king. Candilicious was just too in the middle. Personally I loved them because of the massive size per piece and they were much softer. 

 

 This commercial is the most 1989 thing I will ever find. I just want to go back and roll around in this like my dog on a dead fish. 

 

 Keebler Pizzarias

 

"Buzzonic, man!" Pizzarias are to chips what Ecto Cooler is to drinks. There is a movement that desperately wants these snacks back on shelves again and I am one of those petitioners. If memory serves me well, these elf-made snacks tasted like faux pizza in a way that only art can describe. I had these in my lunch for a year straight and I never imaged a future without them. And yet, here we are. 

 

 Sure there are other snacks which are pizza flavored but the magic of Pizzarias cannot be duplicated because they aren't made in a tree. With that logic perhaps maybe a letter to Uncle Ernie would persuade the return of the famous pizza snack we have been craving for almost two decades. 

 

Domino's Pizza Gum

 

  Speaking of pizza, do you remember Domino's Pizza Gum? Meant to look just like the pizza you ordered (if the Noid didn't step on it first) and when you opened up the cute little box it was divided into four pieces. It's hard not to love novelty pizza gum. And who doesn't smile at that old school box?

 

 

Ruffles Cajun Spice Chips

 

"Wooooweeeee!" Holy cats I forgot all about Cajun Spice Ruffles which debuted the same summer that Paramont's Top Gun hit the theaters. I remember this because my late Grandfather was visiting and I had recently seen the movie and was convinced I would be Maverick one day. I was telling him all about it when THIS VERY COMMERCIAL came on the television and he hushed me as if ABC news warned of a Russian invasion. Little did I know that PopPop was an avid Justin Wilson fan and even a thirty second commercial selling potato chips was cause for a silent pause followed by the signature "WOOOWEEE!". Every since then I would look for those Cajun chips at the Ogletree Grocery Store. I miss that man every day.

 

 Well, that concludes this impromptu post about foods we would like to see back. I would sacrifice my pinky toe for some of these snacks of yesteryear. What are some of yours? 

 

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