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Candy Corns And Brunch

September 7, 2016

  It is no mystery that people who run in my weird little circle have started the Halloween hunt way earlier than most people. In fact, we raise the radar for new Halloween trends before most people book their Labor Day trip! Think of it as a giant scavenger hunt across the US and Canada and the winner is everyone. This probably explains why the staff at my local Target have been looking at me as if to say, "Not yet, loser" for over a month now. But not today! 

 

Coming off a vicious meeting, I needed to get away to put my mind in a positive atmosphere. Driving by Target I decided to roll the dice because people on Twitter have been boasting the great stuff from their said location. If I was to find book bags and bullshit, I would have been no worse for wear but something was telling me this day was different. Today was for the win.

 

Eureka! Target has finally put out at least some of their 2016 Halloween loot and they started with all things you can put in your mouth and chew! It never fails, however, that my phone blows up right when I am at my happiest so I only had a few minutes to speed-walk through and grab the whackiest treat that is "limited edition" to yap about tonight. And boy did I find one.

 

"Brach's Brunch Favorites" Candy Corn? I must say, Brach's, you have gone the way of Oreo and really jumped the shark. A couple years ago I reviewed their latest flavors and back then I thought they were a stretch but this year? Foof! Well, I am not one to cast judgement until I give them a fair review so here we go. 

 

 These easy to peel and reseal bags that are perforated too high never fail to make me throw air punches and make high squealing sounds. Being off 1/100th of an inch in the space program could lead to a fiery disintegrating death. Being off that much with a bag of candy corn isn't too different in my world, either. Did I tell you I have started yoga?

 

 So first on the review is French Toast & Maple Syrup! When I was finally able to open the bag, the maple syrup is the first thing that hits in the face. Instantly I am brought back to the first grade when I accidentally dripped syrup down my arm and shirt sleeve and spent the whole day sticky from the inside. Every time I tried to make it better it just spread. Frustration and anger lead to tears which led to the teacher stripping off my turtleneck shirt, wiping me off and making me wear my winter coat the rest of the day. I hate syrup and its terrible sticky way about it.

 

Whoa! That olfactory trip was a little unexpected. I am sorry about that. Where were we?

 

 Well, these taste like a waxy maple syrup that oddly morphs into pecans. No kidding! Try and eat one of these things and chew until it is completely gone and then tell me it isn't pecan pie. Honestly, this could have been pie flavored candy corn. Brach's missed the mark on rebranding these and saving a few bucks in the taste lab. 

 

 Not too bad so I will give it 4 out of 7 Neck Bolts.

  Waffles & Strawberry is an odd duck. First, I have never been an artificial strawberry fan and I think a lot has to do with the 80's Hubba Bubba strawberry gum. It seems like the hardest things to do in a lab is fission, quantum leaps and artificially make candy taste like real strawberries. Fruit snacks came the closest but that's only because it had real strawberries and that doesn't count. Second, it's weird not to say Strawberries & Waffles. 

 

 These are very reminiscent of the old artificial strawberry flavors like gum and McDonald's shakes. I didn't get a sense that they could include anything breakfast-like in these waxy candies except ol' pink #5 and factory strawberry flavoring to make Waffles & Strawberries a pass because Eggs Benedict would be terrible. Cool but terrible.

 

Not down with Strawberry. 2 out of 9 Witch boot buckles.

 Saving the best for last, Chocolate Chip & Pancakes and their chocolate asses. It's kind of funny to eat these candies in sections because there are three barely distinct flavors in the top, middle and ends. The other two are difficult to pull apart because of the over the top maple and strawberry flavoring but this one is a little more pronounced.

 

 Anything chocolate when it comes to candy corn in A-OKAY by me. It's a universal pass when your eating something that does not breakdown in your system and will probably show up in a cardiograph when you are 70. These taste like buttery chocolate and like the coolest kid in class, he/she wins by default. 

 

Chocolate butts are great! 664 out of 666 demon toes.

 

 So this was an odd flavoring for Halloween. Yeah, candy corn is an autumn treat but "brunch" doesn't send chills down my spine or make me want to embrace a scarecrow for a waltz around the backyard. I am imagining a team of taste engineers and a Brach's marketing group working late through the night to make a deadline for this year's exclusive Target Halloween candy corn, surrounded by legal pads and empty Chinese food containers. In complete exhaustion, they through in the towel and decided to just keep last year's idea. As the begin to pack up, Dianne from the market group suggests a 24 hour brunch buffet and that's when everyone stops. They slowly look at each other and begin to grin. Dianne had done it! All she needed to do was suggest brunch and they saved the Brach's exclusive brand to the big shits at Target for one more year! Congrats Dianne! You did really it!

 

Well, not really. Dianne was just really tired and these were as good as weird candy corn can be. I guess I will have to say it. 

 

Brach's? You jumped it. You jumped it good.

 Unlike me. I jump like someone turned up the gravity.

 

 0 out of 950 Jack-o-Lantern nose holes.

 

Goodnight folks! Thanks for reading about Candy Corn! Make sure to watch something spooky tonight. Try Halloween 4! It's a favorite. 

 

 

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