Holy Spaccoli it has been awhile since I have posted but that is for good reason because this dude has been up and down the eastern side of the United States. Luckily for me, it was not for business but rather FUN! It's so rare that a dude in his mid (late) 30's can take time off to just be a silly heart and enjoy the company of good friends, ridiculous drinks, a mild sunburn and DINOSAURS! "Dinosaurs?", you ask? Well...kinda.
Also, I am already regretting referring to myself as a silly heart.
I decided to drive from North Carolina to Atlantic City to hangout with such awesome people as Jay (The Sexy Armpit) and Matt (Dinosaur Dracula) with their respective ladies this summer. In my mind it would be more fun to take my time and see the great land of the U.S. rather than hop a plane and see which TGIF Fridays is the most disappointing in relating terminals. This turned out to be a wise choice because I had no idea that this trip would slingshot me back to the Prehistoric time of the dinosaurs for only a mere $6.00 entrance fee. Welcome to Dinosaur Land!
Somewhere near the northern-western-nowhere part of Virginia is a little town off the exit of 277 that will lead you to one of this nations most charming parks ever to be made of plaster and semi-scientific recreations. Dinosaur Land is everything I can hope for in a roadside attraction that has been around for over fifty years. Sure the Dinosaurs are a little less "Spielberg", if you will, but would it be worth it if they were? Not to me.
A little known fact, I happen to be a bit of a dinosaur enthusiast. Maybe not like a trained paleontologist you might find on the barren landscapes of a Montana dig but I know a few beasts and their traits. Lucky for me, this park had just a few on display so I can prove this passion of mine.
Here we have a Stan Stubaleski unfortunately causing quiet a scene while "helping" his one-toothed-wing pal, Dave Meadows, while trying to retrieve leaves from a tree to make his broth/leaf soup as they both agreed to go on a wild diet to lose some inches after the winter. The temptation was too much for the natural carnivore to bear as he presses a bit too hard on poor Dave meaty bottom. This was a sore subject between the two friends for many years but reconciliation was finally sealed when Dave lost his final tooth in a company softball game and the old couple had no choice but to have soup for the remainder days.
Speaking of Dave Meadows, this is his sister Alicia. It's been a tough road for Alicia after a life of partying in the Metazoic-era Hollyrock. She left her midwestern home in search of a life full of fame and fashion but after many failed attempts with acting she took to a life living off the underbelly of the Sunset Strip.
Drugs and alcohol took their toll on poor Alicia but the Meadows family never turn their back on one of their own. There was a tearful intervention and soon Alicia came back to the home where she once was vibrant and full of life. Although the multiple FUI's (Flying Under the Influence) charges kept her on the ground, she has gotten back on her feet...or wings, rather. No, life was on its way up for Alicia and soon she would start her own catering business. Dave and Stan would be her ride, of course.
Jeff Brundage and son Jeffrey Jr. Brundage were both total dicks in life. The term "like father; like son" was actually coined back in this Jurassic period because no one could stand these too. Showing up at the weekly Stegga Scouts meeting, these too would always command the attention of the room making the more reserve and meek dino-dads and sons feel awkward.
The annual pancake fund was the final straw for the scout troop as Jeff Sr. bullied one of the fellow scout fathers into a pancake eating contest taht would cause a choking scene which would stay with those little scout dinos for the rest of their lives. Though someone got the hymlick badge out of the ordeal, Jeff and Jeffrey were ousted from the troop.
They went on to be dick in other events like little league and high school football. Everybody hated them and for good cause. They both were killed jumping onto a Nascar track to fight a rival car that cutoff their favorite "Rainbow Warrior" driver, Trex Gordon.
This might look like a horrific scene but actually, it is quiet the opposite. In fact, it's kinda hard to explain.
Back in the Cretaceous era, dinosaurs had this short lived fad where young dinosaurs as well as sad older dinosaurs film a brief music video called the "Paleogene Shake". At first it would seem like a normal dinosaur doing normal dinosaur things but when the beat drops, things get nuts. Random acts of craziness with multiple creatures leave the viewer saying, WTF?".
This scene is just a quick glance into the long extinct fad. Let's pray it never returns again.
This was a thing that went on for many seasons back in prehistoric times. It was a "reality" show that would have thousands of prehistoric creatures auditioning in front of five unlikable judges of moderate success. While most viewed to see hope-filled contestants crash in flames on national TV, a few others would pass the cut to go on and torture the masses with their covers and takes on classic songs.
At the finale, one winning contestant would be chosen and be given a record deal with a hit song to drive everyone crazy for six months then disappear into the void. This particulal season, the winner was Tracy Hinkle with her hit song "LuLuLuLulu". You can see her in mid-performance here.
After Tracy dipped out of fame she wrote a series of shitty parenting and beauty books which had absolutely no medical or FDA basis. She tragically died practicing her "Volcanic Lava Facial" treatment.
See this guy? This guy is a total asshole.
John Romano is the one dinosaur who liked to get on the bandwagon and made shitty subtweets about anyone who had an opinion other than what was the popular fray. He lived for that because it made him feel validated standing up for social issues in meaningless entertainment.
Back in the mid-metazoic, it was common for Hollyrock to remake classic movies (even though no one asked for that), change the story and market it as controversial, knowing that in six months everyone will have long forgotten about it as they walk away four hundred million meteorites richer. It was dumb, uncreative, boring and a sure way to fool idiots like John into jumping on the bandwagon while giving the finger to people who might have a nostalgic love to the original. It's a wonder they died out, no?
John loved to troll around the internet looking for someone to say, "You know, I don't like the trailer to this movie and this makes me sad they decided to do this. I guess I will skip it.". Seeing his prey he would leap on them like a baboon on an ass saying, "So you must be some kind of woman hating jerk, you sexist dinosaur! #feminism #girlsrule #Iamsingle". Everything was a social war to this guy even though he is fighting it in a computer chair while wearing a robe and slippers. Also, he was the type of dinosaur that used to try what we now call today "Netfix and Chill". I can't remember what it was in that prehistoric time. Comment ot tweet me if you can remember.
Around that same time period another dinosaur land decided to break away from the greater Pangea and though John had never been there, heard of the issues before that day, knew there was a vote, or even collected a thought how it would affect him, he had an opinion that would insult any dinosaur who didn't base their opinion off of the same particular three minutes of a cable TV editorial.
"What are you, some racist dinosaur? You hate immigrant dinos and you are an immigrant dino, you hypocrite! #pangexit #racistdickhole #socialwarrior "
John was a miserable dinosaur who ultimately met his end by having a massive stroke when Hollyrock remade Jaws but made it an environmental protest movie and some dinosaurs took issue. They didn't find him for three weeks. His cats ate him. All fifteen. Don't be sad for John.
Well hello there! This turd of mystery is Pete Albertson. Pete looks a little thin, wouldn't you say? Well, that's because Pete is trapped in an endless struggle to find Charrusaur from the then-new phone app PokerawrGO. It was a game that kept players collecting hard to find characters in the real enviroment. So far in this state, Pete had travelled 386 miles and six Dinosaur Lands trying to find this one Pokerawr so he could go back to his office mates and brag. But what had started as a Sunday hunt had turned into a two week trek and his cube has already been filled with another Dinosaur telemarketing cave security packages.
This was an epidemic that spun way out of control. Pete never did find Charrusaur or make it back home. But he was preserved well in a tarpit!
This is Leslie Tisdale. Leslie couldn't go to the bathroom in the part of Pangea we now known as North Carolina. Why? Who knows? But I will tell you Leslie didn't have to suffer long before a huge meteor struck that part of the globe ending all stupid life once and for all.
Looking back we can learn a lot from these silly creatures. Times have changed but at least we have these preservations of how life was millions of years ago.
Thanks for hanging out with me at Dinosaur Land and listening to my vast knowledge of dinosaurs and how they lived. If you find yourself near the Shenandoah Valley close to West Virginia, be sure to stop by Dinosaur Land and their gigantic gift shop. Always a welcome gift for people who could use a mug or a shirt.
Everyone could use a mug or a shirt!
Next stop Atlantic City, New Jersey! Tune in for that gem soon! I can remember about 3/4th of it!